Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
