I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
