Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
