Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
