She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
