I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
