I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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