So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
