My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
