she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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