dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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