I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
