I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
