i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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