i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
