the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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