need another drink. this is the easiest way
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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