Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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