This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
