some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
