tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
