Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
