she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
