I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
