i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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