if i can run in heels then i can drive
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
