no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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