I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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