Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
