is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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