He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
