I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
