if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
