my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
