i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
