I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
