fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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