community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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