oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize