My hand turned me down
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
