I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize