And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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