I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
