A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
