Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
