Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
don't judge my taste in strippers
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
