Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
