the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the condom got lost in my hair
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize