I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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