new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize