Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
