She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
