why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
