did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
