Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
