i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
