Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
