I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
