I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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