someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
A+ Viking dick
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize