i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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