Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
