I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My life is pants optional.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
