God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
