You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
