you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize