it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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