I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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