I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think people are normalizing furries
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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