he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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