Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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