I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
